Therapeutic Writing

Hello All. Well, life has been very interesting for Derek and me. I have had probably every kind of emotion there is over the past month, it's incredible. And I know that I have thought at least five separate times "Man, I need to write this down so I can remember it!" And I never do. Additionally, I have decided that writing my feelings down is very helpful to me. It really helps me sift through all of my thoughts and make sense of exactly how I am feeling and what has caused those emotions to stir inside of me. That being said, I really want to make a commitment to more actively blog. I really enjoy reading people's blogs that post often. Now, I'm not doing this so that I can suddenly have some kind of fan group (although I appreciate the loving comments), it's really more of a way for me to channel my thoughts and emotions. I actually have discussed with many people before that if I were to go to a Dr. concerning my obsessive thoughts and worries, I probably could be diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. No, I don't have to wash my hands 500 times a day, but I do stress over small things and obsess over specific thoughts sometimes where it becomes almost debilitating. Luckily, I have a loving husband that always seems to know what to say and do to calm me down. Anyway, I really think that blogging my ideas and feelings will help me release some of my bottled up emotions. So...here goes nothing...

First, maybe I should go over the positives in my life so that people don't think I'm a Debbie Downer. hehe. I really need to take a minute to recognize the hand of my heavenly father in my life. Derek and I have been so blessed this past year! I cannot believe how far Derek and I have come since we got married, even in the past year!! When Derek and I first got married, we had 3 totalling car accidents in less than 3 months! We didn't own a thing...At the beginning of last year, Derek and I were both unemployed with a car payment and living with his parents...in 7 a seven months span we have both found great jobs, added two wonderful dogs into our lives, own a car, are working quickly to own our second, just moved into a GREAT apartment with a garage and fenced in patio (great for the dogs), and are hoping to start saving for a house soon (we want to put enough down so that we don't have to pay PMI). I am SO grateful for the wonderful blessings of the Lord. I KNOW that so many of these things have come about because 1) We were faithful and have tried our hardest to keep the commandments and 2) The Lord loves us and wants to bless us so much that "we would have not room enough to receive it." I also have grown to have a HUGE testimony of paying tithes as well as a generous fast offering. Well, in all honesty, I let Derek cut the check for fast offering because it about kills me, but I let him give whatever he wants...and we have received so many blessings in return. We also moved into a new ward which has been so wonderful! The people have been so sweet. We got invited over to a couple's house for dinner and we are having 3 couples over for "game night" this friday! I just need to hurry up and get my apartment in order!! EEEEkkk!!

Now, my job has had its up and downs. In all honesty, I have decided that I cannot be a nurse for the rest of my life. Well, that has never been the plan: I want to be a mommy!! But, when it comes to having to work. I cannot remain a Registered Nurse. Derek and I have decided that if I am not pregnant by August, then I will apply to either PA school or NP school or SOMETHING. I just cannot stay at this level. The pay and the career ladder is just not what I want it to be. The stress level and the amount of patient contact is too much. Nurse's have to take the heat from the patients every time, especially when it is usually not our faults. It's just too much. Plus, it doesn't require a lot of critical thinking. I need more of a challenge. There has also been a lot of other drama, but as I have said before, this blog is open, and I don't know who could be reading it. ;)

As far as the pregnancy issue is going: No, I am not pregannt. I started my period last Sunday. Yes, I cried. The good news: I went to my doctor this past thursday and started taking Clomid. For those who don't know, clomid is a medication that forces ovulation. So, hopefully I will actually ovulate for the first time in probably...my entire life almost. I am really hoping to have good news SOMETIME in the next few months. Although I will be honest, Derek and I want to keep it a secret until I'm at least 10-13 weeks since I will be considered a "high risk" pregnancy. But if I don't talk about it for awhile...maybe it's a good sign? haha. It has been a roller coaster. And now that I am on this medication. Every month is going to be that. In 28 days I will either be the happiest woman alive, or the saddest...and then the cycle will occur all over again...it's ok though, I have a wonderful husband that is always there to hold me and make me feel better.

It's true, I'm also very blessed that almost everyone I know is so excited for us to be trying. Since I started telling people that we are trying, we have had so many wonderful compliments like "Your kids are going to be SO beautiful!" "Your kids are going to be so smart/well-behaved/perfect" etc. Which has been so nice. Some people have started asking me "any good news" when they see me, which I would have thought would bug me...but they say it in such a hopeful and loving way it makes me feel like they truly care and are almost as hopeful as I am.

Sadly, as I have mentioned before, there are those people that sit there and criticize you for not having kids the second you get married. However, there are also people that say "why are you trying to have kids now? You are so young! You have so much ahead of you! Why tie yourself down? Why give up everything so soon?" To these people, I ask, "What is wrong with wanting to bring children into this world whom I can love, raise, adore, and teach correct principles? Is having children not THE greatest calling given to women?" I do not look at having children has "giving up everything?" And to these people I say: "I believe that those spirit children are up in heaven right now watching all that we do. God is watching. How do you think it makes my children feel that you think it's a waste to bring them into the world? How do you think it makes God feel that do not find raising his children important?" YES I want to change the world. YES I want to make a difference in my life. But by raising kids I can change their lives, and in return, they can touch and change the lives of others.

Some may argue “But Gina, you’re so smart. You should get your education. You’re too smart to stop at a Bachelor Degree” (Note: I only say this because I have had MULTIPLE people tell me this). To those people, I plan to go back to school sometime in this life. However, 1) I can still learn even if I’m not enrolled in a class 2) I can teach my children 3) What some people don’t realize is that one of the problems that come with PCOS (now I have heard and read this, but am not sure it’s completely factual), is that there is a high chance that my eggs will become less healthy by the time I am 27. I have spoken with people who have PCOS and one of them told me that her doctor told her she better have all of her children before she turned 27 because after that it would be a lot harder to become pregnant and a LOT harder to carry it the entire time. SO, I need to start now if I want to get my goal of 4 kids. But in all honesty, this is not why I am choosing to have children.

I am choosing to have a child now because I FEEL that it is right. I am not explaining this because I feel like I owe it to people. This is Derek’s and my choice, and no one else’s. But I just know it is right. And that is all I will say.

Well, that is about all I have to say for now.

May I please just say really fast that, I hope with my blogging I do not offend anyone? I would never intentionally hurt someone’s feelings. There are just my inner feelings are what I write is very raw and only slightly edited. So, that it for what you will. You can read it, like it, dislike it, or not read it.

I hope you have a great day and take a minute to remember to say thank you to heavenly father for all your many blessings!!