A momentary gush of personal feelings

Cutest Siblings Ever

My sweet love

My cute puppy!

Our Little Family

What a handsome Family

OK, now that I got the cute pictures out of the way....

My parents have always described me as being very open. Yes, I am the type of person who will tell you literally anything you want to know about me, unless it is sacred or between husband and wife kind of thing ; ) . I will tell you when I'm on my period, how I feel about different things, as a teenager I'd openly tell my parents when I had kissed a boy, etc etc. Recently, I have kept some things to myself, but sometimes when I'm really stressed or emotional, I just have to let it out. Often times, that happens on my blog. I use my blog as my journal, and while I know that some people read it, I figure that probably not enough people read it to make a difference, and I really don't care if people know. I mean, maybe I do, I just don't care at the time. With that being said, I just need to take a few minutes to do some "free writing." So, here it goes.

When I started my job in the ER, I kept thinking that it needed to be busier, faster, I wanted someone to be dying on me every 5 seconds. Now that I am more experienced, I pray every night that it will be slow, that no sick patients will come, and that NO one will even THINK about dying on me. Last night, I had a patient come in at 10pm, and I was in her room for the next 7 hours, literally. She weighed over 500 pounds, was slightly combative, and tried to die on me all night. Not only that, besides my team nurse, who was trying to keep our other 14 patients stable while I was spending ALL my time with my one patient, I had NO one helping me. The doctor would come in and try to help every now and then, but all the other nurses were tied up, and to be honest, some of the staff don't care if you are drowning, they would rather sit on their butt. Sure enough, we eventually had to intubate her, and then she coded on me....great...thanks...we got her back, luckily. Of course, as we are coding everyone is there. As soon as it's over, everyone is gone. Leaving me alone. It's just ridiculous sometimes. It really is. If you know a nurse, tell them you love them and give them a hug. Cause let me tell you, they do not get enough money, love, thanks, or acknowledgement for what they do. NO, this is not a plea for people to tell me how amazing I am. I'm just saying, it will make that nurse's day. OK, rant about work is over. PS I really do love what I do most days. I have learned a lot and a great deal about myself and how I would react in situations I had never been put in before this job.

Now, more personal. I have not told many people this, because I do feel that it is very private, and I also have never really wanted people asking me "how it's going" every time they talk to me. However, I think I'm ready to share, since I have recently received some answers. How do I begin?....

First, I would like to say, that if you ever meet a couple, or you know someone is married, if for some reason you decide to ask if they have kids (and the answer is no) PLEASE stop there. I would subject that it is NO one's business except that couple alone when they are going to have kids, or even IF they are going to have kids. Because, here is a bright idea...maybe they are not going to have kids because they canNOT have kids. Over the last 6 months, Derek and I have had an increased number of conversations that go as follows:

Them: "So, do you have any kids?"

Us: "No"

Them: (A moments pause)"And, how long have you been married?"

Us: "Almost 3 years"

Them: "So, when are you going to have kids?"

Us: "....................................."

When I first started getting asked, I would usually give an honest, sometimes detailed answer depending on my mood. Now, as time has gone by and I've had time to think of more creative answers, I usually go with "Oh, I can't, I have HIV." Or, "I don't want any, I had my tubes tied." "I can't, I was born without a uterus." Derek usually answers with, "Oh, didn't I tell you?.... that's because it's none of your business."

Yes, that is right. I probably get asked at least once a day when I am going to have kids, especially at work when people see my wedding ring. So...this leads me into my topic of frustration, disappointment, and sometimes severe feelings of failure, embarrassment, and inferiority. You see, to those people who get pregnant without having to think about it or work about it, they may not understand what it is like to wonder if you will ever be able to conceive.

Where I live, many people are uneducated...and I think it is the culture around here to be overly open concerning sex. Because I have found since I moved to Stone Mountain that many people will follow up my answer that I have been having trouble getting pregnant with an answer of "Oh well, you just need someone to show you how it's done." or "I have some great tips for you!!" "Have you tried taking your temperature, ovulation test....(I'll spare the more personal ones that they STILL ask me)" And I always respond with, "Trust me, we have no problem with the act of reproduction and yes, we have tried every little tip you can think of I'm sure."

My point is simply this, please....PLEASE, think before you ask personal questions. Because what you don't know, before you ask, is that to some people having kids is what they think about every hour of every day. To some people, being able to conceive and bring a child into this world is the greatest desire of their heart. To some people, when you ask that question, you are pouring lemon juice on an already angry, excoriated wound. Because to women like me, it's like pointing out that I'm a failure at becoming what is my "divine nature". Yes, I want to have children. Yes, I am trying to have children. I have been trying for 20 months.

After seeing multiple doctors, I was diagnosed this past Friday with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. In other words, I have tons of cysts on my ovaries (I saw them on the ultrasound), my androgen levels are twice that of even men, and I most likely have never ovulated in my entire life (maybe a FEW times, if ever). I was a tough cookie to crack because almost all women with this syndrome are obese, have extreme facial hair, are insulin resistant or have diabetes, and suffer from acne. What you may not know, is that I suffered from severe acne as a teenager and had to be put on accutane 2 separate times. Other than that, I had virtually no other outward signs except a few black hairs that would pop up on my face or body every now and then.

That being said, I found an amazing Doctor that is confident I will be able to become pregnant, but the exact time frame is of course, unknown. I have been put on multiple medications to lower my androgen levels, increase my progesterone levels, to help me ovulate, and prepare my body to have a healthy ovulation and environment for a fetus. Right now, I am up to 7 pills a day, and in 6 weeks if not pregnant, I will begin taking an additional drug every day. If this does not work within 6 months, I will have to move into other options like insemination. Once I get pregnant, I will have to take progesterone until I am 10 weeks along, I will have to get my glucose checked more frequently than normal since I am more at risk for Gestational Diabetes, and I will always face the ever looming and dark fact that the miscarriage rate for PCOS people is 45%. I also face the risk of Premature Delivery.

HOWEVER, I am confident that the Lord will bless me with the righteous desires of my heart. I have been promised that I will have children, and I know that I will have the blessing of raising them, either in this life or in the next. I am sad to have to face this condition, but luckily, it is treatable, and not life-threatening. So, in the future, if you meet a woman who does not have children, instead of asking her questions...love her, ask her how she is doing. If she wants to open up...she will. I am an open book about everything. Anyone who knows me, knows that. But some people, just don't like to share. I mean, I didn't for the most part, for 20 months.

Anyway, that is about all I have to say. Maybe, people will understand a little better now why my Dog Baxter is like my child and why I love him so much. He is doing the best he can at filling a hole that I only wish I had the power to truly fill. So, please be patient with my pictures of my puppies, because they and my husband are my objects of affection and to whom I give my love.