WARNING-if you don't like listening to people vent, DON'T read this

I feel so...low right now. I am not mad at God. I don't blame him for anything that is going on. I am just running out...No. I am out of patience. We still haven't found an internship for Derek, I don't have any jobs lined up either (but I really can't SERIOUSLY start looking until November or December), I probably won't be able to start my bachelor program until April because it's impossible to get all of my application stuff done and processed by the state in time (PLUS! I don't even know what state we are moving to). There are some more personal things, and worst of all for me right now...I cannot STAND my nursing class. I seriously cannot graduate fast enough. I am to the point where I am even wondering if I even LIKE nursing anymore. I heard a student say the other day, "Why is it that as nurses we are supposed to be the most caring and loving people? Yet over half our teachers are nightmares and so cruel?" All I have to say to that statement is, AMEN. There are very few people in my life that I could say that I really "hate" or because that word offends people, "Strongly dislike" but I am pretty sure I have found another one. I try to keep telling myself that Heavenly Father loves my teacher for this block. But then in the back of my head I think "he may love him, but it's hard for me to see the light right now." Maybe it's me...I know I have a very strong-willed personality and have an air of confidence that bothers some people. Maybe I just rub my teachers the wrong way, I don't know.

So here was the event that was the last straw that broke the camel's back...So I have this teacher, I will not state her name because I believe in being professional, and I don't want this to get more personal than it already is. When we first met her, she seemed great! She was spiritual, she tried to incorporate the gospel into some of our classes, and she seemed sweet enough. Well, over the last few weeks I have learned that she contradicts herself in class ALL the time, she lectures us on our grammar and spelling, yet her tests are SO hard to understand because of her grammatical and spelling errors that I have to read the question multiple times. ALSO, there have been a few times she has contradicts our own nursing book in class. So, I politely raised my hand and told her what I had read (FROM THE NURSING BOOK), and she told me "not to believe everything I read." She is not open to being corrected and she does not take any form of criticism well. Nevertheless, I have tried SO hard to love her, be kind to her, answer her questions in class, and be attentive. Well, yesterday was my first clinical with her on the 3rd floor of the hospital. I have to admit, I did get a little behind in my charting (but I helped out another pt that wasn't even mine multiple times during the day. I was trying to get as much learning experience as I could since I THOUGHT that was what we were supposed to be doing, as nursing STUDENTS). However, this teacher told me that my charting was fine except for a few things, which I quickly went back and fixed. She seemed happy with my charting and nursing care and I got to go home about 20 minutes after we were supposed to. I left having learned a lot and felt as though I had a very productive day.

Well, the next day rolls around and my teacher shows up in class and she is FURIOUS. I mean you could cut the anger and tension with a knife. She begins to lecture us about how horrible our charting was and how she ended up staying until 8:20 that night. She was so mad she like started crying (mind you she cries about every class anyway). I raised my hand and asked if she wanted us to stay after class so that she could talk to us specifically. But she told me no, and that she would just send me an E-mail (I figured she would just tell me what I needed to fix in a paragraph or two). Anyway, she continues to go off on us about our spelling and grammatical errors and then she proceeded to give us our daily quiz...AND THE THIRD WORD ON THE FIRST QUESTION WAS MISSPELLED!! There were over 4 misspelled words on her quiz. I took her test a couple hours after that quiz. I counted at least 5 spelling errors. I also went to her office that day to look over my previous test and she made some light conversation with me, and then I left. Well, after taking all my tests for the week, tutoring a lady, and then going out to subway with Derek for dinner, I went home and checked my E-mail. I had received an E-mail from her, and she told me that she had some "concerns about me, considering where I was in the program." She then told me that she had filled out a "statement of concern" about me and that it was in my box, that I needed to read it, fill it out, and return it to her by Tuesday. Well, I can't get it until Monday because the place is closed until then. I was HORRIFIED. K, just so ya'll know, a statement of concern is BAD. Those things are filled out when a student is REALLY struggling. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I am not trying to brag, but I am at the top of my class, I have always had teacher's tell me I do well in clinical, AND I am a LAB ASSISTANT...so why was I getting one of those? To make a longer story a little shorter, I called 2 of my friends that were on that floor that day and they said they received the EXACT SAME E-mail and that they got statements of concern too. K, that is WRONG. You don't just fill one out for every student every time you get mad. I mean, I was face to face with this teacher over 3 times that day and she hadn't mentioned anything to me specifically at all. She just smiled and told me to have a good weekend. And then I get an E-mail like THAT from her? HELLO? Incongruent communication much? I am an ADULT and as such I expect my teachers to treat me like one and tell me to my face. I feel stabbed in the back. I feel like she is so two faced it isn't even funny. She is not married, never has been, and lives with her dogs. I think it is her goal to make our lives a living nightmare whenever she has a bad day. Seriously.

I was so upset I called the "team leader" teacher (she is over all the other teachers for the 2nd year of the nursing program) and told her basically everything I just told you. And she basically agreed with me. Obviously, she wasn't going to feed my other teacher to the wolves, or completely take my side, and I don't expect her to. She just listened to me and honestly, she agreed with me on quite a few things. I felt a LOT better once I had spoken with her. She told me that I should wait to read my statement of concern, and if I agree with it, I could sign it. But if I still disagree, than I can dispute it and bring it up with my teacher and then to her. Well, let me tell you something, I am 99% positive that I am going to refute this. Even if I choose not to, I am GOING to talk to this teacher and let her know how I feel. EVERYONE in my class hates her right now, it's just they are too intimidated to say anything. Well, I am not. This teacher does not know who she is messing with. She has NO right to treat me, or any of the other students this way and I am not about to sit here, roll over, and take it. I will be speaking with her on Monday. Stay tuned if you care to hear how it goes.

I feel a little better now. I just...need some GOOD news in my life. The grant of $500 was great. Honestly, and I was able to already spend half of it to get some therapeutic shoes because I am having knee problems. I am grateful for the grant. I am grateful for my husband. I am thankful for my loving family, my apartment, my friends, and my loving Savior who understands what I am going through right now. I just need something that I've been asking for to happen to me. I need to graduate and get out of this program. I honestly feel like my sanity depends on it.

Well, that's all for now folks. Thanks for listening.